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Attention All Birth Fathers

Answers to Common Questions You May Ask Yourself
A birth father’s responsibilities can be massive, and emotional and financial burdens can easily overwhelm you. So, it is a big man who accepts a sense of obligation in your situation.

Her Feelings, Your Needs
When you get hit with the news that you are going to be a father, it is easy to feel like you are the one with all the problems. But the truth is that the mother of your child is going through everything you are, and more. What she really needs from you is assurance that you will not abandon her. You do not have to marry her to support her through this. You simply should be there for her if she needs you.

Wow! What Do I do Now?
Your head may be swimming with all kinds of questions. It is not uncommon to ask yourself:

“What do I owe her because of my involvement with her?”

“Am I within my moral and legal rights if I just walk away?”

“If she wants an abortion, do I have a say in it?”

“If she does not, will I be obligated to pay child support for the next 18 years?”

“If she decides to create an adoption plan for the baby, is that okay with me?”

“Should I marry her?”

Sometimes knowing that the birth mother has a right to choose abortion or to carry her baby to term without your consent can leave you feeling like you have no responsibility for this pregnancy. But you are equally responsible because your involvement helped create the situation. Talking to her openly is a good idea. In fact, friendly support is important for both of you as she works toward a decision. You need to keep a calm head and concern yourself with her fears, feelings and embarrassment first. Your need to adjust to and understand your role in this pregnancy ought to be dealt with after the birth mother has come to a decision about what she is going to do, after she has had a chance to express her feelings. You may even want to seek some counseling, just as she has been encouraged to do. Counselors promise a good listening ear and can steer you in the right direction if you need a friend or legal advice about child support and other issues.

Do I Need to Offer Advice?
Not at first. What she needs is a real friend that she can talk to openly. However, do not be offended if that friend is not you at first. Instead, be patient, supportive, and willing to help in the decision-making process if and when she needs you.

What About Abortion?
You would be making a mistake if you thought of abortion as a “quick fix” to your situation. Abortion is not simple. It is a surgical process with real risks, and it often violates a woman’s most fundamental instincts.

Other Options
If the birth mother decides to give birth to the baby, you will need to talk about the future. Will you marry her and help raise the child? If the two of you decide against marriage, will you help by paying child support as the law requires? Most women do not consider pregnancy a good enough reason to marry, so if thoughts about marriage are serious, you will need to ask yourselves if you both love each other enough to get married.
If both of you decide to create an adoption plan for your baby, how will you make it happen? Options Magazine has an excellent section on adoption that can help you answer that question. Adoption can be a positive option for everyone, as both you and your girlfriend can continue your lives and have children later when you are better prepared. There are literally thousands of thoroughly screened and qualified adoptive families in the United States that would be able to provide a better life for your baby than you may be able to at this time in your life.

It’s Her Decision!
Finally, even though you may have strong feelings about how you would like to see the birth mother handle her pregnancy, remember that she has to make her own decision. She is the one who has to live with the consequences of whatever decision she makes. And even though you may have to live with that decision also, you must still consider her feelings and let her make her own decision without undue pressure.

Finally, Be Supportive
Support is one of the most valuable things you can offer the birth mother of your child. Having a pregnant girlfriend can be a tough and painful situation, but it is your opportunity to live up to your responsibility and see exactly what you are made of. So go for it! Last, but not least, help her get early prenatal medical care and counseling if she has not already done so.

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