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Marriage for the Right Reasons

An Overall Perspective

It has been said that men marry women hoping they will never change, while women marry men hoping they will. People often choose their spouse according to the potential they see in that person as well as the love they feel. Marriage can be a happy and fulfilling experience for both partners, but expectations that are too high can often make it difficult for either spouse to change and achieve their potential.

In fact, one of the most difficult aspects of marriage is dealing with all the changes that wash into your life like a tidal wave. Leaving home, supporting yourselves, and setting up housekeeping in a new apartment can be difficult. You may both find yourselves in roles you are not comfortable in. Here are a few differing views on marriage that may alter your expectations of yourself, your spouse and marriage in general.

On the One Hand . . .
Because of your pregnancy, you and your spouse may not have much time alone before you begin your family. This can sometimes become a source of stress between newlyweds. If your husband has not finished his education or has not decided on a career yet, he may find it difficult to adjust to his new roles as husband and father. As a result, you may find yourself pulling more than your own weight in the relationship, which can also be stressful. Sometimes one or both of you may feel as though you’ve been pushed into adulthood prematurely by an unexpected pregnancy. Later one or both of you may feel you were forced by your situation to grow up too fast, missing some of the things your friends still enjoy.

Furthermore, marriage is expensive. The old saying that “two can live as cheaply as one” just does not apply anymore. Today a family of three can cost from three to five times more than living alone! And consider this: If you are married, you are more likely to have another baby within 24 months of your first child than if you are not married. Raising a family can cause some heavy financial stress, which is a major cause of divorce among young married couples.

If you decide to move in with your parents (or his) temporarily, keep in mind that this arrangement has advantages and disadvantages. On the positive side, Mom and Dad can give you moral support and help you with the baby. Their parenting experience is a great resource to draw upon as you are learning the ropes. On the not so positive side, you are still their children, and they may offer advice you would rather not take or become involved in ways that feel more like interference than help to you. This reaction, however, is normal as you enter adulthood and may help motivate you to pull away from the folks and to build your own nest somewhere else.

A successful marriage will take constant effort to build a healthy, loving relationship with your husband and your child, while keeping up with the responsibilities of daily life (cooking, cleaning, schoolwork, employment and caring for the baby).

With all these and other pressures, you can sometimes find it easy to blame each other or your baby for difficulties in your marriage. For this reason, if you decide to get married, you may need some family counseling, which is usually available free or at a reduced rate. Such counseling can help you learn to deal with these stresses, while helping you improve parenting and interpersonal communication skills. You can even receive counseling before you get married. To find a counselor in your area look in your Yellow Pages under “Pregnancy Counseling and Information,” “Abortion Alternatives,” “Counselors/Marriage” or ask your high school counselor or clergyman for a referral.

On the Other Hand . . .
Marriage can be the continuation of a wonderful relationship with the father of your baby. He can be a support and friend to help you through pregnancy, delivery, and raising your child. You can share the good and bad times, while creating new memories together as a family. And because marriage is often seen by society as an acceptable solution to an unplanned pregnancy, you may even find an ever-widening circle of support from your friends and families as you and your partner prepare for your wedding.

Marriage may help you answer some of the questions you have about your future, providing you with a greater sense of security. It can also give you a sense of direction and someone to share that direction with. Fulfilling goals can also be more satisfying when you are working toward them with a partner rather than by yourself.

Finally, marriage for the right reasons (mutual love and commitment) can fulfill basic human needs. Your child will have the benefit of both a mother and a father, and you and your baby will have the benefit of your husband’s help when you are feeling stressed out and need a break from each other. Also, as your baby grows up and learns new things, you will have someone to share those moments with. Marriage can strengthen the bonds between you and your partner when you reach out to help each other and take the time to enjoy your child together.

“Marriage can strengthen the bonds between you and your husband when you reach out to help each other and take time to enjoy your child together.”

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