Options Magazine » Marriage Articles

Hard Knocks

Facing Difficult Marital Issues

Engagement is like trying someone else on for size: If the fit is good, you make it permanent. A successful marriage, though, needs more than just a good fit. It will require sacrifice and a lot of compromising from both of you. As a couple, you may need to find some new ways to resolve conflicts and discuss important issues together maturely. Remember that marriage is a new life wherein everything that was once yours alone to decide is now a mutual decision. However, if you and your future spouse are marrying because you love each other and are ready to sacrifice for each other, you are starting off on the right foot.

Getting Started with This New Life
First, you will need to know where you are going to live and how you will support yourselves. If you decide to live with one of your parents to cut costs, you will sacrifice some of your privacy. Because newlyweds need sufficient time alone to develop their relationship, privacy is important. Living with parents can bring some much needed advice, but that advice may not always be appreciated. And keep in mind that living with parents is only a temporary situation; sooner or later you will need (or want) to move out.

If you decide instead to start out on your own, you will need to ask yourself whether you can afford an apartment and whether both of you have to work? Next, sit down and compose a monthly expense list (rent, utilities, food, phone, clothing, baby expenses, etc.). If your monthly expenses are more than one of you can earn working at a full-time job, you may both need to work.

In planning your budget, include some money for surprise expenses such as doctor visits or car insurance and repairs that have a way of turning up when you least expect them, and often when you can least afford them. If you find that you both have to work, plan early for who will care for the baby. Ask yourself: Will you use day care? Do you have a close relative who can care for the baby while you both work? Be sure to plan this ahead of time because child care expenses can take a major chunk out of your monthly budget!

Government Assistance
While the government offers financial assistance programs such as food stamps, day care services, Medicaid, welfare, subsidized housing and others, keep in mind that such aid is intended to be used only as a short-term means of support until one or both of you gets a job or completes your education. Because these programs were not designed to help you rise much above the poverty level, don’t go into a marriage expecting to rely upon these programs for more than a short time. If either you or your spouse doubts your ability to survive in the foreseeable future without these government programs, perhaps you are not as financially prepared as you need to be at this time. Maybe you should wait to get married or reconsider your other available options.

Completing Your Education
Even though you are probably really focused on marriage, completing your education should also be high on your list of priorities. If you have not finished high school yet, you may need to consider night classes, independent study, or a GED. Some high schools even offer alternative programs for young mothers, some of which offer free on site daycare. Ask your school counselor about your educational options. If one or both of you wants to go to college, you will have to arrange your schedules so that you can attend classes, study, work, and spend time with your child. This may mean that you and your husband will have to take turns completing your education.

Sacrifice and Understanding
If for some reason you are not able to accomplish some of your goals because of the demands of parenting, it will be important for you not to blame each other or your baby. Your decision to marry and raise your child has meant sacrifice from the beginning. While this can be difficult for both of you, try to be patient if your spouse begins to feel neglected or jealous when the baby arrives and puts large demands on your time and attention. It may be hard to find time for your husband when your baby’s needs come first. He should try to be understanding of this, but you’ll want to make a special effort to find time for your spouse when the baby and work or school demand so much of your time and energy.

Finally, if you elect to get married at this time, you will want to know that you are marrying for the right reasons: mutual love and commitment. A successful marriage takes a lot of hard work and compromise, so you’ll both need to work together as a team to avoid becoming one of the five-in-every-ten marriages today that end in divorce.
However, if in deciding to get married you and your future spouse can agree to address some of these challenges ahead of time, you will be more prepared for a successful marriage.