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I Felt Like I Had No Other Choice

True Stories of Abortion
Ashley’s Choice

Editor’s note: You can find help to cope with feelings of shame or guilt. Seek out a counselor, or try such books as Healing Choice: Your Guide to Emotional Recovery After an Abortion by Candace de Puy, PhD, MSW, and Dana Dovitch, PhD, MFCC; or A Solitary Sorrow: Finding Healing & Wholeness After Abortion by Teri K. Reisser, MS, MFT.

Ashley is a 22-year-old mother of two. Her first marriage at 17 lasted one year. Her second marriage unraveled just before she found out she was pregnant with her third child. Jobless and with no high school diploma, she decided abortion was the only solution.

I’ll never forget the day I came home from vacation to visit family members and my husband, Chris, had moved all my stuff out. He wanted to file for divorce, and I was devastated. Then things only got worse--I found out I was pregnant. I told Chris and he said it was my problem.

I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t even finished high school and I had no job. How was I going to take care of the two children I already had? The only solution I could see at the time was to get an abortion. Chris gave me the money for one and drove me to the abortion clinic, only at the last minute when I was walking in did he say, “Wait, let’s not do this.” At that point I had already made up my mind. I felt like I had no other choice.

The abortion clinic was like Grand Central Station. I remember seeing people come and go as if they didn’t know what was happening around them. There was one really young girl with her mother. From the way they were talking it was obvious that the decision to abort had been made for her. I felt sorry for the girl.

Before you can get an abortion you have to go through a short counseling session. I told the counselor I didn’t believe in abortion but I didn’t have any other choice because of my situation. So I had the abortion. The whole time I just cried and the nurse asked me if it was painful. I told her it wasn’t. She didn’t realize I was crying because I felt so terrible about what I was doing to that baby inside me. Afterward I was supposed to stay for at least an hour in recovery, but I just couldn’t stay in that place. I insisted on leaving.

It has been several months since the abortion and I still think about that baby constantly. I always think about how old the baby would be now and what the baby might have been like. It’s not true that you can just forget something like this. Sometimes I think that if I had another baby it would make me feel better. I hate myself for what I’ve done. I really wish now that I would have given the baby up for adoption. I feel like what I’ve done is a sin that can never be forgiven. I wish I had never gone against what I believe in. For me, it was not the best choice, although it seemed like it at the time. I’ve learned my lesson about making decisions that are against your own beliefs. I’ll never have another one, no matter how bad things are.

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